Adrenal Courage

I then met with a thoracic surgeon at NIH. He went through my lung CT in detail – something that had not been done before. He explained that I had many, small, confetti tumors throughout both lungs. However, the area that was most concerning to him was my right hilar lymph node. This node transverses my pulmonary artery; which was news to me. He was quite concerned that if this node continues to grow, I may lose my airway. I asked about the possibility of radiation to this area. He responded that typically radiation oncologists do not like to radiate this area given the risk of scarring and concern for the airway.  

It was after this appointment that I decided to take a leave of absence. I had been pushing through work, despite my symptoms of my cancer as well as side effects of my medication. I had been prioritizing work over my family, and many days when I came home, I didn’t have anything left to give my family. Instead of spending all my “good” time with my family cleaning the house, I wanted to be able to spend it actually engaging with them. I was quite discouraged after my most recent appointments and I felt like my time left here on earth was limited. I put in for a leave of absence on a Thursday, and they had posted my position the following Tuesday. Friends, think about this the next time you’re killing yourself for a job. The next time you’re sacrificing your free time, family time, your marriage. Even my employer, who I will say has been incredibly accommodating up to this point, was ready to replace me immediately; without even asking how long I would be off. 

 I have incredibly mixed emotions about this. I have worked my butt off my entire life to get to where I am now. I have worked so hard to become established at my clinic and I truly care for my patients. I felt my employer was punishing me for being ill. I didn’t choose this. At the same time, maybe this is right where I should be. Maybe I shouldn’t go back to work. Maybe I should work on myself as a mother, as a wife. Sure, finances will be different, but maybe I can give my kids more of me.  

The same day my job was posted, I finally got some really encouraging news! UofM radiologists overread my CT scans done locally and felt my lung metastases were either stable or shrinking! Shrinking! I was started to think I would never hear those words! My doctor was quite encouraging and wants me to stay on my current treatment and recheck in 3 months. The day prior, I also received a call from the oncologist with the NIH. Her opinion differed quite a bit from the surgeons. She recommends that I stay on systemic treatment at this time. Her rationale is concern for tumor growth during my recovery phase while undergoing surgery. This has been the sentiment of my UofM doctor as well up to this point.