Adrenal Courage

Sitting in my chemo chair for my first infusion, I couldn’t help but look around at the other patients there. I was by far the youngest by about 25 years. I couldn’t help but feel that I did not belong there. That this was supposed to happen to someone else, someone who doesn’t take care of their body. I struggled a lot initially with being around others who were obese and had terrible diets, didn’t exercise, smoked, drank alcohol on a regular basis. I remember passing an obese woman while driving who was smoking a cigarette while eating french fries and I got so mad! Why me? Did I do something wrong? Was this some sort of punishment for something I did in the past?  

I have struggled my whole life with my faith. I did not grow up with religion. Most of my foundation came from my best friend from childhood, who was Catholic and going through catechism. This same friend has been my rock through this whole ordeal as both her parents had/have cancer.  I could never truly come to terms with why God would allow suffering. I have many demons from my past that I am not ready to share publicly. But I thought now was my time. I have two absolutely beautiful and healthy daughters, a husband who adores me, a good career, nice house, a great community and friends and are doing well financially. I always had this fear in the back of my mind that things were too good, that something bad was going to happen. I would tell myself no, this is your time to be happy. You worked your ass off to get here and you deserve this. So when I found out I had cancer…I thought this had to be my penance. It was somewhere around then where I committed myself to reading the bible in a year. I wanted to understand the reasoning behind my suffering from a Christian standpoint. More on this later.  

After notifying our family members, Nick and I posted about my diagnosis on Facebook. The outpouring of love, support and prayers was absolutely incredible. Nick and I moved to Gaylord in 2017 and from day 1 have felt like this is the community where we are supposed to be. A wonderful friend set up a GoFundMe, she would also randomly bring me my favorite ice cream! Another friend set up a meal train for when I had chemo. Joburg school staff set up donations. We received countless cards in the mail. PA moms also set up donations and provided us with gift cards. Nick’s PT class sent gift cards. My closest friends from PA school sent the girls some activity boxes over the next few months and a care package for me. An old coworker I haven’t talked to in years sent the girls some activities. A group of gym friends put together care packages for me. A coworker made T-shirts to fundraise and another friend had bracelets made. So many people reached out asking how they could help, offering to watch the girls. We have some amazing friends who take the girls when we go for more testing. Friends who will pick them up from school/drop them off and spoil them with treats. My mom and my sister visited to help when I had chemo. I am sure I am missing some! I have felt nothing but love and support from this amazing community. I truly cannot express how much I love it here, how thankful I am and how everyone’s support and prayers have helped.